Thank you for the opportunity to read your work. I found your essay very relevant and moving. My father-in-law has dementia and no longer recognizes his children. It’s been horrible to see this vibrant man fade away.
You’ve organized the piece well, with a catchy introduction and clear subheads. The story follows a clear progression from lead to explanation, causes, symptoms, and prevention. You end on a personal note that leaves the reader with a sense of empathy. Nice.
A few things to think about:
Some of your word choice is repetitive in places. For example, you use the word “symptoms” three times in the first few sentences of the symptoms section. Sometimes I tackle this problem by setting limits on how many times I let myself use an important word in a paragraph or section. For a paragraph, that limit is often one.
Another idea to keep in mind is to break your work into more paragraphs. This will make your writing both visually easier to read and will helps the pacing.
A last grammar/syntax note — be careful not to overuse -ing verbs. This verb form is called the present participle. It’s good to use -ing verbs to vary your sentence structures, but too many will make your writing less crisp. The few sentences that begin and end with these lines are an example: “I can’t imagine how I would have felt….Terrifying that someone else is this world has experienced that same feeling.”
I also think you could drop the last paragraph. The story feels like it ends the paragraph before. I think you could easily include the facts in the last paragraph in earlier sections.
Diana, I think you have so much talent as a writer. Your insights are both meaningful and interesting. You show a grasp of the scientific as well as emotional aspects of dementia that stretches beyond your years and a clear understanding of how to structure expository work. So glad to have read your work.
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Dear Diana,
Thank you for the opportunity to read your work. I found your essay very relevant and moving. My father-in-law has dementia and no longer recognizes his children. It’s been horrible to see this vibrant man fade away.
You’ve organized the piece well, with a catchy introduction and clear subheads. The story follows a clear progression from lead to explanation, causes, symptoms, and prevention. You end on a personal note that leaves the reader with a sense of empathy. Nice.
A few things to think about:
Some of your word choice is repetitive in places. For example, you use the word “symptoms” three times in the first few sentences of the symptoms section. Sometimes I tackle this problem by setting limits on how many times I let myself use an important word in a paragraph or section. For a paragraph, that limit is often one.
Another idea to keep in mind is to break your work into more paragraphs. This will make your writing both visually easier to read and will helps the pacing.
A last grammar/syntax note — be careful not to overuse -ing verbs. This verb form is called the present participle. It’s good to use -ing verbs to vary your sentence structures, but too many will make your writing less crisp. The few sentences that begin and end with these lines are an example: “I can’t imagine how I would have felt….Terrifying that someone else is this world has experienced that same feeling.”
I also think you could drop the last paragraph. The story feels like it ends the paragraph before. I think you could easily include the facts in the last paragraph in earlier sections.
Diana, I think you have so much talent as a writer. Your insights are both meaningful and interesting. You show a grasp of the scientific as well as emotional aspects of dementia that stretches beyond your years and a clear understanding of how to structure expository work. So glad to have read your work.
Keep writing!
This is some great advice for you, Diana! I hope you can take this forward in future!
Thank you, Kate