On Thursday, 24th January, we had our first meeting with our Grade 8 buddies.
We were told of this a few days before and assigned buddies. In two sessions beforehand, we got into groups with DJC and each made surveys (this is mine and Ella’s) with questions for our buddies to answer so that we could get to know them. Neither of our buddies answered. Also, I noticed that not everyone mixed with a different class, as there were more BhN kids than DJC kids. In the next session, we organized the 20 minute session into group activity to do with our buddies, as well as the idea to split into our groups and tour the D block after. I noticed that most of the people in the class were unfocused, and it was mostly Kai, Ms Bhavna and I planning and leading votes on what to do. Also, I found that even the voting didn’t go well, as people didn’t listen to the instruction of voting only once, and I feel that neither of us (especially me) were taken seriously. Eventually, we decided on Splat for the group game, as few other ideas were generated.
The day itself went alright, however it did feel like it was awkward and people weren’t engaged / didn’t see the point. I sort of took initiative and led everyone to the corridor to do Splat, explained the rules, called for everyone to say their names, and became the first splat master (person in the middle). After one round, I decided on the new rule of, instead of people going out, they would become a new splat master when they got hit. This is because I felt that that would avoid having many people be bored sitting until the game ended. And yet, people quickly made quite a fuss and called for the original. This was possibly due to my instructions sounding unclear, but I am not really sure. After that, we got into our groups and started the D-block tour. Although that started off awkwardly, I think that towards the end, both groups started to enjoy it, and some Grade 8s were asking a lot of questions. For example, my partner asked me a lot about what the subject choices are in GCSE, and we told them other important information, such as the new lunchtimes.
Overall, I think that I played my own part well, but that the sense of responsibility/dignity/whatever that motivated me was almost completely absent in the rest of the class and in DJC. Before, when the class was unmotivated, it was mostly because they felt the exercise at hand was pointless, which is fair enough, but this time, even if they see no interest/fun in the project, the whole of BhN would remember their Grade 8/9 buddy sessions and how they were helpful. Hence, this should appear to be a marginally meaningful task. So I do not understand why they weren’t doing anything. Perhaps they thought that Kai and I could just do everything well enough for them? Rather bold of them to believe that.
I suppose that this a good trait of mine; in many tasks, I do not have faith that people can/will do it better than I could, or I believe that I would add diversity of thought / a unique perspective to a group I deem capable. Thus me often taking a leadership role. But I suppose it is from a quite Japanese belief in needing to contribute to feel self-satisfied, rather than be background scenery not getting in the way. Hence, if I just watch something and not do something, I feel sort like I am doing something wrong.
Perhaps this is better articulated as an aimless feeling of responsibility / obligation. Even with the class video (which I admit I still see as useless), I felt the strange “need” to do it. Although this is good during school activities that don’t cause anyone harm (I rarely use mentor time to do more “productive” things outside of mentor activities), it could be a very dangerous trait if I were with manipulative people and in greater society. Why should I feel deeply obliged to do something when I feel that it is a waste of time (which could be harmful, as it stops better projects that would be good). And yet, now that I think of it, this feeling puts strains on my relationships as well.
A good example: A relationship I am part of right now that treads the line between platonic and romantic. Lately, the other member has been visibly wanting for a much more romantic relationship, and, although there isn’t much pressure and they listen to me when I am uncomfortable, I notice the feeling that I “should” do what they want, even though I do not feel ready, and am uncertain. This leads me to be very changeable, wanting more romance sometimes, then lashing out in frustration and rejection at others. I can see already that this is frustrating to the other party, and I feel both guilty that I don’t want from the beginning to do what they want, and frustrated that they are rushing me. I get kissed on the cheek and am clearly expected to kiss back, they ask me why I don’t kiss them, and I don’t know what to feel or do.
So I guess, although I am glad for my sense of responsibility, it should be redirected to feeling the need to do only things that I feel are necessary (i.e. have a larger positive impact) or make me happy. It’s not necessary to pressure myself to kiss back, even if that ruins the relationship.