I will always remember this day – 20 November 2018 – The day of frustrations and disappointments.

It started really well, as I remember it to be – No troubles, no embarrassing moments and taking my baby steps to speak up more in class.

But when it hit 6:30 pm, it kinda came all tumbling down.

My service – 0Wes, was meant to assist the fundraising of Tabitha during the first show of Royal Hunt of the Sun. But when I arrived, none of my service members were there.

I ran up and down the stairs trying to find and get the cups.

Black box -> High school office -> Black box -> High school office -> Black box -> Service Office.

I ran that flight of stairs 6 times, all while trying to call my other service executive members.

It was so frustrating, trying to get into the high school office, but even after I got a teacher’s card, the trolley of cups was nowhere to be seen.

Even when I finally ran to the service office and found the cups, they were not prepared. None of the washing equipment was out, but I didn’t have time to look for them. Priority: GET THE CUPS.

So after counting the cups and running carefully down with a trolley, I arrived outside the black box, only to find that it was just time for the crowd to be going in.

I felt horrible – we were meant to be ready and support the event, but yet we didn’t. It was because of the inefficiency and miscommunications between us that the GC loss so many potential customers.

I just felt like I have to do everything. The chairman that was meant to be there with me was busy playing basketball while I run around. Despite how many times I called, he didn’t pick up. Only when the crowd went into the black box did the call connected. What made me even angrier was that he said to give him 5 more minutes.

I felt like my ability to trust has diminished because of that one incident.

After handing over to the latecomers with a face that probably spelt “pissed-off”, I returned to badminton session. After one training routine, I was asked to play a match with someone that I really didn’t want to lose to.

I felt it was so unfair since I haven’t warmed up. I could feel my fury affecting my game playing, but I couldn’t keep it in check. I played while losing so many points consecutively, ending the first set with a pathetic 4-21 to me.

But because of that score, I forced myself to calm down. I told myself that I have to win this match – or else the coach may just replace me with her. In the end, I still lost, but this time, it’s with a somewhat satisfactory score of 16-21.

I left the court with a disappointed face and pass by the black box to check on my service members. They apologized to me, but aside from the teacher in charge, I actually felt like the apologies were insincere at all. Perhaps it was because of them snickerings before saying sorry with a smile. Towards that attitude, I could only muster and return a half-hearted smile.

I don’t really want to blame but perhaps it’s because of that one day that later that week, I slipped up and said that I wanted to change chairman in front of the person himself. I began to also feel like I am apathetic about badminton, that it is a duty instead of a passion.

I am feeling very scared of facing the future. I don’t want to make badminton a past of mine, nor do I want to experience future with regret because of that very moment I blurted out that I didn’t like him. I just want to turn back time.

Just something to lighten up myself right now: At least you didn’t cry under all those negative feelings. Give yourself a pat in the back cause good job 🙂

 

* This post is not meant to offend anybody, just to vent out my frustration that keeps returning.